Intimacy and ED… No, I Don’t Mean Erectile Dysfunction
By: Isabella Coogan
TW: Discussion of eating disorders and body dysmorphia
The National Eating Disorders Association estimates that 10 - 20% of college-age women suffer with eating disorders with the rates on the rise. We know that Duke is no stranger to eating disorders; with its high strung, perfectionist culture, it is a breeding ground. You can develop an eating disorder at any point in your life, but the most common ages are 18-21, your prime college years, where disordered eating can often go unnoticed or far worse: be celebrated.
My own experience with my eating disorder and body dysmorphia started when I was thirteen. For my developmental years, it fundamentally altered the way I viewed food and exercise, making my body into something I hated. Now a sophomore at Duke, I have been in recovery from my eating disorder for three years and looking back with the reflections of a well-nourished brain, I can see how detrimental my eating disorder was to all aspects of my life, but particularly my relationships and sexuality.
It is often not discussed how eating disorders affect sex even though it seems like an obvious link. In my case with anorexia, malnutrition altered the function of my brain reducing my levels of estrogen and progesterone, basically decimating my sex drive. Unfortunately, looking at just the biological basis doesn’t tell the whole story. 20 - 50% of people who have an eating disorder also suffer from some kind of mood disorder, of which I was one. Depression and negative self-image also made it impossible for me to form relationships of any kind, causing my inevitable sexual intimacy issues.
Of course, I wasn’t looking at the logical side of things, I just thought that there was something fundamentally wrong with me. The age-old question of, “Am I actually just asexual?” In my case I wasn't but, I began to view sex as a check list. First, it felt like a social obligation, I figured since everyone around me was having sex, I had to as well. Then it became an external validation mechanism where I became addicted to the idea that someone could love my body even if I didn’t. I was completely unable to form any sort of emotional connection, but far more concerning, was that I truly thought I was content. I wasn’t bothered by my social isolation or my disinterest in sex, I just viewed it as my norm, and I was far too occupied with what I ate that day or how much I exercised to care. The funny thing about a disordered mindset is that you can’t recognize it until you get out of it.
In 2018, I started treatment for my eating disorder and started to heal my relationship with food, myself, and others. While I can’t help but mourn the loss of basically all my teenage years to anorexia, I am so grateful for recovery and everything it has given me. Negative self-image is still something I struggle with, but I am able to work through this with strategies I have learned in therapy. I am no longer physically and emotionally distant and I am able to experience sexual and emotional intimacy. I have a sex drive, my hair is not falling out, and I am able to see food as a vessel to fuel my body. I am not going to say that I always love the way I look. It is difficult to see your body change in recovery and body dysmorphia is still something I battle with, but I try to practice body neutrality. Rather than focusing on what my body looks like, I focus on what it can do. If you or anyone you know is suffering with an eating disorder, I highly encourage you to reach out and seek professional assistance. It is very easy to fall into disordered eating patterns and not recognize them, especially when they are so proliferative around you. You shouldn’t feel ashamed of your lack of sex drive or pressured to have sex, especially in recovery. Sex and intimacy are very personal, and it can take a lot of patience and counseling before you are ready or want to be intimate with someone again. THAT IS OKAY! Sex is a social and emotional human need, and it can be a way to form intimate connections or it can just be casual and fun. The connection between eating disorders and sex should be addressed more because it is far too easy to feel isolated in your struggles. You are not alone. You are valid. You are worthy of having a healthy and fulfilling sex life.
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Get Help:
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/