Masturbation: Breaking the Silence

Sitting with my ten closest girlfriends our junior year of high school, in hopes of sparking an empowering and honest conversation, I confidently asked everyone who had masturbated before to raise their hands. To my absolute shock, no one raised their hand and I was met with a room of complete silence and awkwardness, despite having had two distinct conversations with two different friends about their experience with masturbation and the empowerment we felt from taking charge of our own pleasure. Of course, I was not going to call out these friends because they were clearly uncomfortable talking about it in front of the rest of the group. Still, I found this odd as these were the same ten friends who would not leave out a dirty detail when sharing a story about a hookup. Why did my friends have no problem discussing sexual experiences they have had with a partner, but would tense up when it came to talking about sexual experiences with themselves? 

Walking home from my friend’s apartment, I kept replaying the series of events over in my head, mortified at how boldly I had spoken out about masturbating and the subsequent sheepish facial expressions and silence from my friends. I remembered how in my seventh grade homeroom class, a group of my guy friends would sit and discuss videos they had watched on PornHub and how frequently they would jerk-off. I observed virtually the same conversation among guys from that point forward and throughout high school, and was confused why my girl friends could not engage in a similar discussion, especially because masturbating is not only normal, but has significant health benefits as well. One of the most evident benefits of masturbation is a positive boost in mood and decreased stress, as orgasms in their very nature are pleasurable. The physical relaxation experienced after an orgasm can also aid with sleep. Additionally, practicing masturbation can actually make sex with a partner better by helping women to explore and become more familiar with their own bodies and what feels good to them. I was anxious to see my friends at school the next day having just exposed something private about myself and fearful of the judgment I expected to receive. However, to my surprise, six of my friends, aside from the two I had already spoken with, gradually approached me individually to continue the chat I had put into play. Three friends shared that they often masturbate but assumed it was uncommon and weird for girls to do and thus did not want to speak out. One friend was unsure if she ever had because she enjoyed “playing around down there” but had never reached orgasm. The last two friends who came to me said that they wanted to masturbate, but had no idea where to start, to which I shared my experience with the power of a bath faucet (they each tried it the following weekend). 

Let’s fast forward to my freshman year at Duke, when I took a class called Sexual Pleasure in the Modern World (a course I highly recommend for anyone and everyone). As a final project, a small group and I went around campus interviewing students about their masturbation and porn-watching habits. Of the students we interviewed, a greater number of male-identifying individuals disclosed that they watch porn and masturbate than female-identifying students. This could be a result of the relatively small number of students we spoke to, but it does follow the trend I observed beginning in middle school that girls tend to become uncomfortable and deny to others when asked if they masturbate. The shame many girls feel surrounding masturbation is likely a result of the lack of these conversations, as well as a lack of adequate sex-ed. In school, we are taught how ejaculation during the male orgasm is necessary for the fertilization of the egg, while essentially nothing is discussed about the female orgasm as it is not necessary for reproduction.

The mere fact that I am publishing this article anonymously shows the areas of progress I need to continue to work on in feeling comfortable expressing my sexuality. While I pride myself on provoking conversations amongst my friends and trying to normalize talking about masturbating, there is still a barrier I experience in being completely open about this subject and worrying about potential judgment. Still, I don’t think that becoming comfortable discussing experiences with masturbation necessarily means shouting it from the rooftops, but rather treating these conversations like any other that you may have with a friend. The chances are high that your roommate or friend may be in the same shy position in talking about this, but breaking down that barrier is a huge step towards feeling empowered and taking control of your own pleasure. And who knows, maybe a trip to buy vibrators at Maxx’s will be in the future for you and that friend!